Ugh. I am ridiculously attracted to masculine of centre women.

Yep. One year on since my Great Awakening and still thinking about it. Anyway, I just came to the realisation about how I know for sure that I am attracted to women — I’ve had that sickening, gutwrenching feeling of jealousy and yearning over a couple of them (one of whom I’d only met that night). Ha. What a sad way to ascertain this.

When I still identified as straight, I:

• Wanted to major in gender/queer studies
• Had a folder of pictures on my computer called “Women”
• Thought JD Samson was “strangely attractive”
• “I would do Joan Jett any day”
• Watched videos of Rachel Maddow all day
• Was really into boobs
• Watched The L Word
• Followed lesbian tumblrs
• Got an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut
• Noticed all the dykey girls and wanted them to notice me

Basically what I’m trying to say is: wtf, brain.

And you know, I might be becoming something.. not exactly very.. good, in a sense? Or acceptable, or whatever. I’ve always declared it was alright - but when it comes down to yourself in that situation, really, it’s definitely not all that easy.

An excerpt from my blog entry six years ago, when I, aged 15, was having my first crush on a girl. A homophobic girl, at that. Ha. That really fucked up my last two years of high school, since I spent all my time trying to avoid her. Even the thought of talking about her among our rather large group of mutual friends made me anxious. I lived in constant fear of somebody finding out, although I’m not sure exactly how good I was at hiding it. Lol.

And of course, I never admitted to myself that it was a crush until this year, when I first fucked a girl. Or let her fuck me, more accurately. But yes, it took me six years to realise that maybe I wasn’t that straight after all. I’d write off all my girl crushes (there weren’t that many, but there were certainly a few) as platonic, but now that I think about it, they weren’t so different from my crushes on guys after all. I had a crush on a girl in my German class once. Wednesdays were my favourite day of the week, which I attributed to me just being really eager to learn German, lol. If that were the sole reason, it wouldn’t have explained why I’d get so jealous when somebody sat next to her, or why I felt so happy when she came to sit next to me, or when one night after class we were the only two left walking to the bus stop…

Sighh. That’s my entire nonexistent love life for you. Nothing but a series of unrequited crushes. Plus I’m still confused, in a sense. I can’t identify as straight anymore, but to claim that I’m a full-fledged lesbian would also be disingenuous. Neither do I feel comfortable with the term bisexual, and pansexual doesn’t exactly cut it either. I feel neither straight nor queer enough to really belong anywhere. :/ I know labels aren’t always important, but sometimes I just want to know, to be able to identify with something. And I haven’t found it yet.